The Power of Apology and Forgiveness
A few days ago my wife and I were driving to a farewell get together for a retiring professor I work with at New England College. Unfortunately, with dog chores and such, we got a later start than planned and halfway there realized we were going to be late. I handed her my phone and asked her to text “Going to be a few minutes late. Sorry.” We then discussed, “I’m sorry, “Sorry about that” and several other options for the apology to be sure that the receiver was informed of my lateness and regret. The point is, apologizing — finding the right words that convey a genuine regret — is not always so easy.
Perhaps you have talked over a colleague in a meeting and as a result, hurt her presentation. Or you realize you failed to give a colleague proper credit for an idea you are attempting to advance. If you want to repair and move forward with those relationships, professionally or operationally, you will have to offer an apology. Typically, however, the cursory or perfunctory “sorry about that” just doesn’t cut it. It is, I think, important to remember that an apology is the start of a two-way interaction, with the intended goal of forgiveness being an equally crucial component if we want to continue in a trusting and productive relationship.
Looking back at my initial options for apologies, consider the “Sorry” option versus the “I’m sorry” option. Adding in the first-person pronoun, tends to signify better that I am taking responsibility for my actions. Leaving out the pronoun signals dismissiveness and based on the work of James Pennebaker it may signal that I see myself as higher and more important in that social hierarchy. If you are genuine and want an apology to be received, the first rule is to use appropriate pronouns.
So now the question is, when we know we have transgressed, what should an apology sound like?
In a relatively recent meta-analysis looking at apologies and forgiveness, Fehr et al (2010) note that the offenses for which we may have to apologize land on three levels: Cognitive, Affective and Social. Essentially, when someone affronts us, we think about it and we make sense of what just happened and why (cognitive), we feel an emotion associated with the affront (affective) and we consider what happens to our status and this relationship if we do or do not accept an apology and forgive (social constraints).
So, for an apology to be effective, i.e. for it to facilitate a path toward forgiveness, it must address all three. The apology must recognize what was done wrong, how that offense made the receiver feel, and identify the path forward to ensure no future transgressions.
In the above example of my being late to an important event, I should recognize my failure in time management (why), the importance of the event to those who organized it (how they feel), and that I’m looking forward to all of us having an enjoyable evening together (social aspects).
In a separate paper, Fehr and Gelfand, carry the analysis a bit further, noting that situational and dispositional factors can have a significant impact on whether an apology is accepted and that different types of apologies are more and less effective in different contexts.
If my actions have harmed your sense of agency or autonomy, such as when my actions have resulted in a lost opportunity for you, my apology needs to be restorative. That is, I need to offer compensation. If my actions have had the primary effect of damaging our relationship, I need to respond with empathy, recognizing the affective harm. And finally, if my actions have violated the norms of the group, I need to explicitly recognize what norms I have violated and offer a plan to avoid future violations.
Too often, when we have affronted someone, we look at it as their problem, not ours. We minimize our role and the seriousness of the offense and offer a perfunctory apology, expecting the other party just to get over it. This is rarely effective. Instead, we need to step back and recognize exactly what harm has been caused and apologize genuinely and directly to that harm.
Which finally leads us to the importance of apologies as an element of our social contract, that is, to our ability to form and maintain productive relationships with others and to maintain and enhance our role in our various groups. In the aforementioned meta-analysis Ryan Fehr and colleagues discuss the importance of apologizing in terms of its relationship to forgiving:
“Victims who forgive their offenders become motivated to act prosocially toward them by reconciling their differences, cooperating on interdependent tasks, and admonishing ill will. Victims who fail to forgive their offenders conversely become motivated to act antisocially by avoiding them or even taking revenge.”
If we apologize genuinely and effectively, identifying and rectifying the affront, we can actually strengthen our team bonds and strengthen our standing within the team. If we fail to apologize — or do so half-heartedly or in a way that does not relieve the burden of offense — it is highly improbable we will receive any forgiveness. Instead, we damage our team, receive the negative outcomes Fehr et al describe, and thus damage our standing within the group.
Mistakes and apologies are natural parts of ever evolving human interactions; in essence, this dynamic duo is how we learn to forgive and be forgiven. Granted, we will all make a mistake in any given relationship, fall out of rapport, and will need to apologize to regain our connection. This is at the heart of what we at Pyxis Academy provide your team: a solid grounding in interpersonal communications so that when your team reaches these junctures, junctures at which they may fail or excel, they have the skills and the abilities to push forward and move past these unavoidable human errors.
