Why Not Ask Why?

“…half the time when someone asks you a question with a W, they aren’t really asking you a question. They’re making a statement in disguise.” (Amor Towles, The Lincoln Highway.)

This last week I was facilitating a group of undergraduate seniors on a tour of various law enforcement agencies in the Washington D.C. area. Some of them have never been to D.C. or on any trip like this and the conversation moves often to “why is it like this…and why isn’t it like that?”  Why questions are awesome when we are that age and exploring new experiences and forging an understanding of the world. But in the world of investigative interviewing, whether corporate or law enforcement, as powerful as we may want to believe they are, why questions can be problematic.

During the trip was reading a new novel, The Lincoln Highway, and serendipitously, as I was contemplating their questions, I came across the above quote. I was blown away when I read that…because it’s what I’ve been teaching for years and never even dreamed it would end up in a piece of fiction. Brilliant as Amor Towles is and many other writers are, it seems rare to find such a perfect, encapsulating statement in a work of fiction.

We all learned somewhere along the way to ask Who, What When, Where and Why. Good in theory, because that is the information we need, and bad in practice because they have a tendency to shut the conversation down. The first four are pretty simple…they are closed questions that generally will get you a one- or two-word answer. They are fine in their place, after you’ve exhausted open-ended routes to that information, but generally you’ll get all of that and a lot more if you ask good, open-ended questions.

So what is the problem with Why? If I ask “Why did you do that?” You, the hearer, quite often are going to hear something along the lines of “Why on earth would you do that?” or “What were you thinking?”. There is a presumption of judgment when we ask “Why”.  The hearer feels their decisions or motives are being questioned. And when we feel we are being judged, we feel a need to protect ourselves. We react to the feeling of being judged and the potential flow of information is diverted to minimizing or rationalizing our actions. As information gatherers that does not help us.

The answer we get to a “why” question is most often a constructed rationalization or justification for a given outcome. You have asked “why”, and they work to construct a line of reasoning that aligns as best they can with your point of view and that seeks to remove the judgment they are feeling. In other words, the answer you receive is an after-the-fact protective façade, justifying an action or outcome, rather than something closer to their real rationale for pursing the line of action that lead to that outcome.

When you start to ask “why”, think about how you can rephrase the question, to remove the judgment and give someone the motivation to talk to you. For example, you could ask “Can you tell me about what prompted that decision?” or “Can you talk to me about what you were feeling when you were working through this decision?”.  Reword it and come at it from an angle that provides the hearer a safer space to provide an answer and the desire to provide a more accurate answer.

And here is the most important part. If you provide an environment for people to talk, they will talk…if they know it is actually a safe space. If you reframe the question just to get someone to talk and then you punish them, it will not work the next time around. If you reframe it and receive what seems a genuine answer, work with them to figure out how to move forward from that point. Long-lasting trust will be developed not only between you and them but between you and everyone around them.

All of this may sound more touchy-feely than some people might like, or sound like we are coddling Millennials or Gen Z so we don’t hurt their feelings, but it isn’t that. It’s psychology. People quickly feel judged, trust is hard to gain, and it’s easy to break. Eliminating “why” from your repertoire will help you gain trust, eliminate judgment, and gain the understanding you need.